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Larry Upgrade (transcript)
Time Squad Season 1, Episode 8b: "Larry Upgrade" Written by Michael Karnow, Dave Wasson, and Carlos Ramos Directed by Dave Wasson Air Date: August 25, 2001 INT. TIME SQUAD SATELLITE TUDDRUSSEL reclines on a sofa, reading an upside down magazine. OTTO kneels on the floor, working on a puzzle. OTTO A couple more pieces and I'm done with my Congress Passing the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 jigsaw puzzle! OTTO holds up a box reading "Jigsaw Puzzle" and "1,000,000 pieces". TUDDRUSSEL Well, hurry up so we can play some video games. The door next to OTTO slides open and LARRY enters, dressed in an apron and holding a serving platter. LARRY Minced crabmeat risotto with vanilla-clam brûlée. He sets the platter down on a table next to TUDDRUSSEL and lifts the lid. LARRY Lunch is served. TUDDRUSSEL Oh, man, I asked for a burger. LARRY's smile turns into a sneer. He slams the lid back onto the platter. LARRY Well, I was trying to do something special. TUDDRUSSEL Dangit, Larry, all I wanted was a burger! TUDDRUSSEL stands up. LARRY Don't use that tone of voice with me, Tuddrussel! TUDDRUSSEL Listen, you sad excuse for a dustbuster, I am- LARRY interrupts him, tutting. He turns to Otto. LARRY Otto, Officer Tuddrussel and I are about to have an adult conversation. He turns to face TUDDRUSSEL again and waves OTTO off. LARRY Why don't you go outside and play. OTTO gasps excitedly. OTTO In outer space? TUDDRUSSEL Yeah. Go on, Otto. OTTO Whoopee! OTTO skips outside the room and the door slides shut. TUDDRUSSEL stares down LARRY, his arms crossed. LARRY looks at him with his hands on his hips. LARRY Do you ever stop to think how much I do around here? TUDDRUSSEL Oh, man, I can NOT have this same conversation with you. LARRY Oh, that's just great! Even a simple discussion is too much effort for you. Outside of the window, OTTO floats around happily in a spacesuit. LARRY Well, I'm beginning to feel very unappreciated. TUDDRUSSEL Oh, for the love of— Larry! You are a robot! Start acting like one! LARRY exclaims in frustration. LARRY Is that all I am to you? A- a robot? I have feelings, desires, dreams. TUDDRUSSEL You have got one job, and that is to do what you are told, to follow orders, minus the sass-lip! LARRY growls and throws up his hands. LARRY You're impossible! A beeping noise interrupts him. LARRY taps his left arm and the screen lifts up. He looks at it for a moment, and closes it. LARRY We'll discuss this later. LARRY removes his apron. LARRY I'm late for an appointment for an upgrade. TUDDRUSSEL reclines back into his chair. TUDDRUSSEL Yeah, well, before you do that, fetch my slippers. He points to a pair of blue slippers on the ground. The apron goes flying into his face. TUDDRUSSEL Hey! LARRY stomps to the door. LARRY Get them yourself! He exits the room. TUDDRUSSEL takes the apron off of his face, throws it aside, and crosses his arms. INT. TIME SQUAD CONTROL ROOM A large book titled The Larry 3000 Owner's Manual: Your Robot and You sits on the control center. LARRY picks it up. He pushes on the side of his head, which opens up an inside compartment. LARRY plugs a cable connected to the mainframe into his head. LARRY Well, that's it. I've had it. LARRY thumbs through a few pages of the book and turns on the computer. LARRY I'm definitely putting in for a transfer. LARRY begins to read through the book, absentmindedly tapping on the computer and scrolling down a list of upgrades and downgrades. LARRY I cook, I clean-- not complaining, might I add, and do I ever hear so much as a "thank you, Larry"? even though we're a couple of unsophisticated simians and don't really deserve your skills and charm, and we don't simply recognize and appreciate your incredible efforts? LARRY sighs. LARRY Oh, who would have thought after all my years as a diplomatic aid, I'd end up trapped on this floating garbage can with that man? The computer has "Downgrade 3.5" selected. Without looking, LARRY enters it into the computer. The computer begins to beep and the highlighted "Downgrade 3.5" flashes red. LARRY No, not a man. He's a man''child''. LARRY Wait. Something's wrong. He turns and looks at the screen, and gasps. His voice begins to slow down. LARRY Oh no... INT. TIME SQUAD SATELLITE TUDDRUSSEL is still on the recliner, arms crossed and staring at the slippers. OTTO walks in, rolling a large stone over to TUDDRUSSEL. OTTO Hey, Tuddrussel, look what I found! A moon rock! TUDDRUSSEL Yeah, great. The door opens and LARRY stands inside. His eyes glow green and he holds his arms in a robotic forward position. His head compartment sparks and smokes, then closes. LARRY slowly walks over to TUDDRUSSEL. TUDDRUSSEL Oh, boy. Look who's back. The ol' ball and chain. LARRY speaks robotically. LARRY Greetings, Master Tuddrussel. I am the Lawrence 3000. How may I serve you? TUDDRUSSEL What are you, a wise guy? LARRY "Wise. Guy." Does not compute. How may I serve you? TUDDRUSSEL Okay, I'll play along. You can start by fetchin' me those slippers. LARRY Yes, Master Tuddrussel. LARRY kneels down and puts the slippers on TUDDRUSSEL. TUDDRUSSEL Hey, looks like our little talk paid off! OTTO Something's wrong. Larry's acting weird. TUDDRUSSEL chuckles. TUDDRUSSEL Yup. Sometimes a man's just got to put his robot in its place. LARRY Mission complete. How may I serve you? TUDDRUSSEL Oooh, I know, you can serve me by gettin' me a burger. No bru-lees, no salads, no casseroles, just a burger. Burger, burger, burger. LARRY Affirmative. Burger. OTTO Something's definitely wrong. Larry, let me see your arm. LARRY Affirmative. LARRY gives OTTO his arm. The screen pops up, and OTTO sees the flashing red text that reads "DOWNGRADE". OTTO Oh my gosh! He's been downgraded! TUDDRUSSEL Downgraded? OTTO This is a nightmare! TUDDRUSSEL Are you kiddin' me, man? It's a dream come true! OTTO We gotta fix him! TUDDRUSSEL No way! This is what I've always wanted! This is gonna be great! He reclines again with his hands behind his head. INT. DINING ROOM TUDDRUSSEL and OTTO sit at a table. TUDDRUSSEL wears a bandana bib and excitedly holds a fork and knife. OTTO watches LARRY cautiously as he walks over and sets a dining platter on the table. LARRY lifts up the lid, revealing several burgers. LARRY Burger. TUDDRUSSEL smiles. INT. TIME SQUAD SATELLITE LARRY massages TUDDRUSSEL's back as he lies on a table and eats a burger. INT. BATHROOM TUDDRUSSEL showers and sings to himself while showering. LARRY approaches, holding a burger on a plate. LARRY Burger. TUDDRUSSEL, wearing a shower cap, peeks out of the curtain. He takes the burger and eats it in the shower, then sticks his hand out and gives a thumbs-up to LARRY. INT. SHOOTING RANGE TUDDRUSSEL wears cowhide chaps and practices holstering and unholstering his phaser quickly. LARRY (OFFSCREEN) Burger. LARRY walks over to TUDDRUSSEL and offers him a burger on a plate. TUDDRUSSEL suspiciously picks it up, and LARRY walks away. He shrugs and starts to eat the burger, continuing to pose with his phaser. INT. TIME SQUAD SATELLITE LARRY holds three magazines titled Ray Gun, Just Pictures, and Muscle Times. TUDDRUSSEL sits in the recliner and deliberates on which magazine to choose. He reaches forward to grab one, but LARRY snatches them out of the way and puts a burger into TUDDRUSSEL's hand instead and walks away. LARRY Burger. TUDDRUSSEL looks at the burger for a moment before starting to eat it. INT. GYM TUDDRUSSEL stands and lifts a dumbbell while eating a burger. He chews and swallows a bite, then looks at the burger. TUDDRUSSEL Bleh! He sticks his tongue out and tosses the burger aside into a trashcan overflowing with half-eaten burgers. He sets his dumbbell onto its rack while LARRY approaches with another burger. LARRY Burger. TUDDRUSSEL Ugh, 'nother one of those and I'm gonna puke. LARRY Burger. TUDDRUSSEL Don't you got anything else? LARRY Negative. Burger. LARRY extends the burger to TUDDRUSSEL'S face. TUDDRUSSEL Get that thing away from me! TUDDRUSSEL slaps the plate out of LARRY's hands. LARRY Burger. Burger. Burger. Burger. Burger. Burger. Burger. TUDDRUSSEL exclaims in frustration. TUDDRUSSEL I can't take any more of this. OTTO! INT. TIME SQUAD CONTROL ROOM OTTO walks into the room while reading LARRY's owner's manual. OTTO Hey, Tuddrussel. I've been reading Larry's owner's manual and-- OTTO shouts in surprise. OTTO What are you doing!? TUDDRUSSEL in on the floor, trying to pry LARRY's head open with a screwdriver. The rest of LARRY's parts are disassembled and scattered on the floor. TUDDRUSSEL Oh, Otto. We've gotta get him back, man, I can't take any more of this robotty robot! OTTO walks over and takes LARRY's head from TUDDRUSSEL. OTTO Well, like I was saying, I was reading the manual. All we gotta do is plug him in and upgrade him. OTTO takes LARRY's head over to the control panel. He opens the compartment and plugs it into the computer. OTTO scrolls down the list of upgrades and downgrades and enters in Upgrade 8.6. TUDDRUSSEL Come on, Larry. Come on, man. We need you, buddy. LARRY's eyes change from green to blue again, and a "DING" is heard. LARRY Oh... TUDDRUSSEL! You nitwit! TUDDRUSSEL It's him! It's the ol' Larry! LARRY Of course it is, you buffoon! OTTO grabs LARRY's head and hugs him close. OTTO Welcome back, Larry! TUDDRUSSEL grabs one of LARRY's legs and holds it to his face. TUDDRUSSEL Yeah, welcome back, buddy! TUDDRUSSEL throws the leg aside and chuckles. TUDDRUSSEL Man, you've got to make us some food. We are DYING here. LARRY Ooh! I do have a recipe for seared foie gras on a bit of leeks I am itching to try. TUDDRUSSEL Woo-hoo! Bring on the grub! Hey, come on, Otto! Let's go play some video games while we wait. TUDDRUSSEL walks away and OTTO runs after him. OTTO Whoopee! LARRY's head is still on the floor and his parts are still scattered across the room. LARRY Um, hey, guys! A little help here! LARRY sighs. LARRY Cretins.Category:Transcripts